Unlike most days, I had an actual destination to reach. Although, it was hard to say where the destination was or why I had to reach the destination, I knew that I would take a green line train that day instead of taking a loop line train. Actually, the loop line train was the one that I usually take everyday aimlessly without any specific place to go. It was just a daily ritual, expected. I know. It is weird to say ‘ritual’ when there was no intention or belief. Still, I would say that it was a ritual because I wanted to stay riding the loop endlessly. Afterall, I was nervous to see myself waiting for a train that I had never taken before. I was not sure if I would comeback, but I bought a roundtrip ticket. I hoped I could get on a returning train as well.
Unlike the loop line, the green line had very long narrow small train cars. I could tell that the train looked very old from the ouside, but it was very bright and airy on the inside. The huge and clean windows of the train car reflected the bright sunlight. I sat in the seat holding the roundtrip ticket in one hand. I felt disconnected from reality. A vague unrecognizable fear swallowed me. Then, I wanted to know what the substance of the fear was about. I remembered someone who had told me that we all share five irresistible fears: ‘a fear of extinction, a fear of mutilation, a fear of loss of autonomy, a fear of separation, and a fear of ego death.’ I raised my head and stared out the windows. Tall slender creatures with full newly born leaves were swaying in the wind. I realized that every creature, including myself, was a vulnerable being that could not resist the circle of life, time, gravity and death. Then, I wondered if the fear was aroused in me because I was meant to be a vulnerable being.
Suddenly, a passenger in the train sat right next to me and took the roundtrip ticket from my hand, and he said “Let me set your hands free.”
I was embarrassed and asked him.
“Excuse me?”
Then, he answered.
“You should comprehend how your hands influence your mind. Here now you have symmetry of two hands. That means you should be able to think ‘dialectically’.”
He continued to say “You should know this, as well, that the moment of ‘crisis’ is the gesture of searching, and the gesture of searching is the model for all our gestures.”
He gave the roundtrip ticket back to me, but he put it in my pocket. “Look around you!”
Then, he left.